Ducks No More

As a supporter of human beings and their inalienable rights, I feel it is my responsibility to speak out against certain injustices happening on campus, injustices that affect our learning environment as well as our safety. I’m talking about ducks. These waterfowl roam campus as if they owned the place, wreaking havoc through their seemingly cute antics. They quack incessantly during classes. They wander around looking for a handout while contributing nothing to society. They constantly break state and federal laws. And what have the police done about it? Nothing! Countless times have we heard about students receiving citations for jaywalking while not a single duck has ever received even a warning! It’s outrageous! It’s time that we as a student body stand up and fight for our rights as humans. We need to speak out against these menaces. I believe it was either Ralph Waldo Emerson or Karl Malone that said, “Ducks are horrible people.” Let us show Mr. Emerson that we, too, think ducks are horrible people by kicking them off of our beautiful campus.