Ducks No More

As a supporter of human beings and their inalienable rights, I feel it is my responsibility to speak out against certain injustices happening on campus, injustices that affect our learning environment as well as our safety. I’m talking about ducks. These waterfowl roam campus as if they owned the place, wreaking havoc through their seemingly cute antics. They quack incessantly during classes. They wander around looking for a handout while contributing nothing to society. They constantly break state and federal laws. And what have the police done about it? Nothing! Countless times have we heard about students receiving citations for jaywalking while not a single duck has ever received even a warning! It’s outrageous! It’s time that we as a student body stand up and fight for our rights as humans. We need to speak out against these menaces. I believe it was either Ralph Waldo Emerson or Karl Malone that said, “Ducks are horrible people.” Let us show Mr. Emerson that we, too, think ducks are horrible people by kicking them off of our beautiful campus.

Dating = Sin

Dating is a sin. I realize that there are many who will say otherwise, and so I will delineate my logic here for those naysayers. When a man takes a woman on a date, he is engaging in at least two kinds of sin. First, he is essentially paying for the woman's company, which is prostitution. True, he may not be actually paying her, but he is still buying her things, like dinner or a movie or whatever the activity may be. If he does not pay, then this woman will become cold and maybe call her guy friends to come and break the man's legs. Exactly like prostitution. Second, he is gambling. When he buys the woman dinner, he is hoping to get more than just a firm handshake goodbye. He is paying for an outcome that he hopes will be favorable, but could be less than desirable, namely wasting his money. This is gambling.Two terrible evils that are highly controlled in our society. That is why I therefore propose that we introduce legislation against dating. I don't know how we could go about enforcing an anti-dating law, but we have to do something! Maybe we could legalize dating in small doses in order to keep the abuse at bay.Or maybe just abolish it all together.

Life in the Fast Lane

Why do people do stupid things? Is it in our DNA? Probably. While driving yesterday in the fast lane, I came up rather swiftly on a car in front of me. Since I was in the fast lane, and this car was not going fast, I flashed my brights letting the driver know that she was being stupid. She sped up and moved over. When I passed her, she let me know her indignation by showing me her middle finger, as if this is supposed to hurt me in some way. I thought we were showing each other our digits, so I showed her my thumb. I don't think she appreciated it as much as I did. I just don't understand why people are so dumb. I was going faster than she was, so why should she be upset when I want her to get out of my way? She shouldn't be. Why couldn't she just look at my Jurassic Park sticker on the back of my car and smile. Jurassic Park brings joy and love. That's why I put the sticker on my car in the first place. That and because chicks dig it.